Mischievous

I swear he did this all on his own — found my pink sports bra, slung it over his head and his leg, and ran around the house with glee.

 

Having it all…with a shrug and a smile

I have recently decided to go back to work.  I say this with both elation and a heavy heart.  As I have been caring for my baby boy for 15 months now, it must be said that I am weary, and respectful, and disappointed.

When I got pregnant, I was performing in the ensemble of “White Christmas” at the Welk Resort Theater in San Diego.  We worked on Thanksgiving.  We worked on Christmas.  It was wonderful work, to sing and dance for people every day.  Like all things, it had its pros and cons, but I had put in a lot of sweat and tears to nab that job.  I drove home to eat with my family after our Christmas day matinee, and I had morning sickness.  I was 6 weeks along.  My costumes were fitting a little tight, and the world was looking a little different to me.  I was happy.  But I also realized I’d be hanging up my tap shoes for a while.  After the show closed, I spent the rest of my pregnancy sleeping in, reading pregnancy books, and eating.

I have not had a job since.

I am weary, obviously, because the job of stay-at-home mother is relentless and long.  I was warned.  I swear I was.  So many people remarked at how “lucky” I am to be able to get by comfortably on my husband’s salary alone.  I have been given the immense opportunity to be there for my children all day long, as my mother was.  But as time passed, I supressed the feeling that this job was not for me.  Some days were glorious fun.  Other days were full of anger, boredom, and desperation.  Depression, too?  I don’t know.

I was certainly respectful of my mother, and all mothers who stay home with pride.  I wanted to be fulfilled as they are.  But something is missing.  Something has changed, and maybe I believed that it was going to change back.

I have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to be an actor these days.  Not at all.  I have many other interests, and I’m a whiz on the computer.  A few people have paid me to edit videos for them, but naptime and nighttime are the only respites from my rambunctious toddler.  So, that’s when I edit.  And it’s when I blog, too.

So, I found a daycare here in Glendale that will take Little J twice a week.  All day.  I wrote the check for the deposit, and suddenly I felt better.  I felt just a tiny bit free.  And to write these things brings tears to my eyes.  Here comes the disappointment I mentioned earlier.

I am disappointed to have been faced with so many preconceived notions about what being a mom entailed.  I always saw myself as a career woman.  My various definitions of “just a wife and mother” were all quite negative.  And I blame the United States public school system.  I blame television and movies, and the internet.  I blame Sally Ride, the first female astronaut.  I blame Sarah Palin.  Don’t ask me why, I just do.  Everyone says that being a parent is the most important job in the world, and then they turn around and ask me, “Do you work?”

Variations on these themes have been swimming in my head for many months.  I have been terrified to blog about it because I want to protect my deepest insecurities.  Today, however, is the day that I confess that I intend to cultivate another skill or two.  I am going to work from home part-time to see how it works for me.  Perhaps in another year I will change my mind.  But for now, I want the chance, even for two days a week, to be alone with my computer.  I endeavor to find a happier place in my mind and heart.  Since we all wish to “have it all”, both family and a fulfilling job, solid relationships and strong reputations, I think it needs to be said that I’m giving this new situation the old college try.

I’ll let you know what happens.

 

Interview with Kristen

I’ve been cruising the Rookie Moms site, and even trying a few of their activities.  Number 473 is called “Interview Your Friends”, and I thought it would be great to interview my highschool bud/blogger friend, Kristen, who has an adorable son, Talan, and is expecting little boy #2.  She lives up north, but we’ve had a couple playdates together, while I was visiting my family.

*********************************************

1. How old is Talan, and what’s his Zodiac sign?
Talan is 3 yr. 10 months old, which I am completely in awe of – that my baby is almost 4! When did this happen, and why so quickly?! Turning 4, to me, is the official turning point of going from baby/toddler to a big boy. He has looked like a big boy for quite some time, but this birthday milestone makes it more official! He is a Sagittarius, and fully encompasses many of the traits – he is good-humored, full of energy and adventureousness, and strong-willed. He was also born in the year of the Rooster, so he is also one who has to busy all of the time(don’t all boys though!), they always think they are right, have extreme moods, and are usually brave.

2. What is your favorite outing with Talan that’s not necessarily Talan-centric?
I have been a frequent beach goer ever since I could drive myself, as being near the coast has always been a place of escape and relaxation for me. Since having Talan, I haven’t given up these day trips, with his first visit being aroun 4 months old. Early on he seemed to really get a lot of joy from dipping his toes in the water or throwing sand onto his head. And as he has gotten older, going to the beach has become one of his favorite outdoor activities. We try to go weekly during the warmer months, and maybe once a month during the cooler ones.
We take walks looking for sea treasures, to bring home for him to sort through and catergorize, jump the waves together, and our latest venture has been to see how deep of a hole we can dig in the sand!

3. Since you work in the evenings, what is your morning routine wth Talan?
I always thought I would be like my Mom, who when we were kids, would get up early before us, to get dressed, eat, read the paper, etc. But when I had Talan, that just never seemed logical, as I tried to take advantage of every possible hour that I could in order to sleep. So our routine is mornings for us start between 6:30-7, although this last week he has been getting up at 5:15 on the dot (children love to change their routine just when you get used to it, don’t they?!) He usually comes bounding in to my bedroom, announces he’s not tired anymore, and hands me my glasses from my nightstand. Occasionally he might crawl in bed to cuddle for a few minutes, but it is rare! Then we head downstairs where I immediatley start making breakfast. Besides eggs, he eats anything, but does get into patterns that he will stick with for weeks at a time. He is just like me in that he is ravenously hungry as soon as he wakes up, and if neither of us eat soon enough for whatever reason, mornings can be rough. I let him watch an hour and a half of either a disney movie or one of the few cartoon series we allow him to watch. This is when I myself get to eat, go online, and pick up a bit without distraction. Then he plays, while I get dressed, and we are out of the house by 9 or 10 depending on how much effort I put into my appearance, and we run some errands, or have a playdate, or tae a day trip somewhere. Luch is around 11:30, naptime is 1:30. He has had a pretty consistant routine which has been nice for both of us:)

4. What is one thing you learned with your first born that will be easier-than-pie the second time around?
Breastfeeding, definitely. I was slightly nervous about breastfeeding as I neared his due date, not because I didn’t want to nurse, but because I was very aware that it may not work out. In my experience working as a pediatric nurse, and for a while in Mother/Baby, I encountered so many new mother’s who either had difficulty producing enough milk, who felt awkward/embarressed/unnatural while nursing, who’s baby’s were poor latchers, or mother’s who were not prepared for the time and dedication it required to breastfeed. I had gained plenty of knowledge and helpful tips over the years providing lactation consulting to these mom’s, but it still didn’t prepare me for my own personal experience. So I decided not to set any expectations on breastfeeding, I loaded a corner of our pantry with some formula just in case, and tried to think positively – as long as my baby was healthy and thriving, what he ate wouldn’t matter.
The moment I delivered Talan, the desire to nurse my baby was instinctual. I didn’t feel nervous, awkward, or however else I thought I would feel, I just knew what I needed to do. He was immediately a good latcher, my milk came in on the 3rd day postpartum, and it turns out that he was breastfed until he was 22 months old. It’s not to say that I didn’t have moments of frustration and doubt when I was bleeding, blistered, sore and sleep deprived. And it was never the plan to nurse that long, but once our routine had been established, I decided that we would stop when either of us began to show disinterest. I thought by 6 months old he would be done once solids were introduced, then when he turned 1, I thought the increase in mobility would distract him. Of course the frequency dramatically decreased with increased age; it’s not as though I was nursing every 3 hours when he was 1 1/2, as most people exclaim in disbelief when tell them how long he was breastfed!
So I feel far more prepared with this new baby on the way to apply the same dedication to breastfeeding as I did with Talan. I firmly believe that the reason he is so healthy is because of breastfeeding him for so long. I am also very proud that I was able to stick it out as long as I did without giving up. Hopefully the new baby will take to it just as easily, but you never really know.

5. What’s the best book/resource you’ve found on discipline for little boys?
I have to be honest, I haven’t used any books to specifically address discipline. The only book I have is called “Boys Will Be Boys,” and was given to me by my MIL for Talan’s 1st birthday. It addresses the state of raising boys in our current 21st century social climate, compared to 15/30/50 years ago; how the attitude that we approach to raising our boys has changed and may have a negative impact on them. The book disusses their natural impulsiveness, hyperactivity, distractability, and moodiness. The idea behind the book is basically that the approach of just letting boys be boys has been stifled by social expectations, lack of patience and understanding by educators, and increased aceptance of ADHD as an all too commonplace medical diagnosis. If anything, what the book helped me to see were my unrealistic expectations of him, how I wasn’t initially allowing him to explore the world in his own way, holding him back from acting, playing, verbalizing in a more natural boy impulsion.
My resourse for thoughts on discipline has been talking to my other Mommy friends, observing what they do, and taking from it what I think may work, or seeing how I don’t feel I want to discipline. I think discipline is always a work in progress as children grow, so my husband and I just work together and address making changes if we see something isn’t working. We both agreed on one thing when it came to discipline and that was we had to start quite early, and remain consistant.

6. What are your thoughts on choosing schools for your kids?
Word of mouth from other parents experiences, going to open houses. Of course no school is created equal so I wouldn’t arbitrarily choose a school out of convenience of location. The difficulty in choosing a school is that you truly never really know if it was a good choice until they start going.

7. What are a few of your personal “splurges”?
New bedding for our master bedroom. I constantly feel the need to make it more cozy, luxurious. My goal is to feel like every time I step into my bedroom, I am staying at a fancy hotel on vacation some where with my husband!

8. What is one question that people often ask once they discover that you’re a pediatric nurse?
The first question is always who do I work for, and what department I work in. Funny enough, once I tell people that I am an pediatric advice nurse, they tend to not have much to say afterwards. I think it isn’t exactly what people imagine as being an actual nursing position, compared to if I said I worked in NICU, oncology, or cardiac step-down. So often, very little is asked of me after I state my position. If anything I tend to get questions about why I don’t work in another area of nursing, what is it that advice nurses do exactly, what did I do before I was a pediatric advice nurse.
I take pride in my very specific role in providing health care, but it is not one that many take the time to understand. But I am content in knowing that the level of care that I provide is immeasurable and in some ways unexplainable.

Thank you, Katherine, for this opportunity to be interviewed by you! I hope it had shed some light on my thoughts on being a Mommy!

 

I’m not an AP parent

I was clicking around and I landed on the blog of a New York mother who writes that she’ll wash her breasts, nightly, and nurse her toddler to sleep.  Then later, she will be awoken, nightly, to change a wet diaper at midnight.  This is her routine, this self-proclaimed Attachment Parent.

When I read things like this, I think, “I need to stop reading blogs.”

The only reason I wash my breasts is because I’m taking a shower.  And this does not quite happen every day, friends.  Not that you’re surprised.  Spending 10 minutes under the hot, comforting water, letting my mind wander, I do this for me.  As if personal hygiene could be anything but personal.  It’s like when my (childless) girlfriend K and I meet for breakfast and she always looks polished and put together, wearing lipgloss and expensive shoes.  She shrugs and informs me, “I get dressed for me.”  And I know, in a way, she is on to something.

The decisions we make for ourselves and our families are very personal.  Perhaps I’m threatened by the idea of extending yourself so far as to share your bed – and so much more – with your baby after he or she has turned one year old.  I have read about AP and, after plaguing me with guilt, their website forces me to shrug my shoulders and say, “That’s not my way.”

Besides, my son tries to put his shoes in his mouth.  Often.  How could a person’s breasts be dirty by comparison?  I mean, really.

 

I found my keys!!

…at the bottom of a bag of bagel chips.

So, this means I wasn’t crazy to look inside the diaper pail a few weeks back.  Little J had indeed put them somewhere for safekeeping.

 

First “official” Halloween

Leo the Lion

Boo.

 This Halloween was a hit!  Little J really enjoyed wearing his costume, despite the 80-degree weather during the daytime.  We attended “Boo at the LA Zoo”.  Great times had all around.

 

 

tidbits

1. Matzoball soup + Nyquil + 9 hours sleep = magical cure for a cold (for me, not the baby!)

2. I seem to have lost my house keys. This is only mildly upsetting for some reason. I managed to scavenge an extra key to the side door, and am going in and out of it for now.

3. Little J has cut his first molar!! It is just so cute, I can’t get over it. This explains the massive drool springing from his mouth and leaving his collars damp.

4. Cookie Magazine has folded. I am not sad, per se. I only wonder what the folks at Conde Naste are going to send me instead, for the remainder of my subscription year.

5. This pancake batter bowl from Ikea serves well as a place to throw small toys that I find scattered about my living room floor every day. It’s always a mess around here, and for the time being, Little Guy thinks the bowl is his new toy.

 

All kids — I love ‘em.

I have a nasty cold in the nose, which I caught from my kid, and I’m hating it. Gross.
Every time he sticks his finger up my nose and giggles, every time he gives me a wet, open-mouthed kiss, I smile, and I also curse the fates. What did I expect? Of course I was going to catch his sniffles. Ugh, we may not go outside today. I’m feeling ick.

This past Wednesday I went to my friend’s wedding in New York. She got married in Central Park, and I was matron of honor. It was an adventure and fun was had by all. I got run around, jump on and off subways, get a massage, eat pizza. All of this, alone, with no husband or baby nearby. It was exhilarating. The only reason I did not have a heart attack at the separation was that my mother offered to watch Little J for 5 days, at my house. A better scenario could not have been created. My mom is a pro. I love her so much.

My friend had her “first glance” moment in a garden in Central Park, and, since it was Wednesday afternoon, some school kids found themselves witnessing it. Front row seats.

It was so adorable, I had to capture that moment.
And in that sweet moment, I looked at those little New Yorkers, and thought I LOVE KIDS!!! All kids. I love ‘em. I love my own child most of all. I finally count myself amongst the many people who claim I was not a whole person until I had a child.

Maybe this seems elementary and odd, but it was a nice realization for me. I think I was slower-than-average on the acceptance of parenthood. I have been embracing it gradually. I didn’t weep and feel connected to Little J the moment he was born. Oh, no. I didn’t really believe he was mine. I think this happens to some mothers, and fathers too. It took a little courage, but my heart has gotten so BIG in the last 14 months. And now, I’m really really proud of this. I’m wearing my moms’ club badge today. It’s big and shiny and it says “I love kids”.

 

Yellow Balloon

Yellow Balloon Hair Salon in Studio City offers a “1st haircut” Package which includes a balloon, poloroid and certificate.

Notice the ghetto stylist in the background picking her teeth.

My sweet, sweet boy. He loved his balloon. Now it is his newest word, “Booon”.
Yesterday a neighborly woman walking her sweet, sweet doggies commented on his handsome new look. It’s really nice to see him looking less girlish, and more clean cut. I probably won’t return to the same salon, though. Not really necessary, if you asked me. There’s candy and toys everywhere, which isn’t necessarily a good thing.

 

Babycenter, you’re an A-hole

Yeah, okay, I said it.

I have a 13-month old. Sometimes when the tantrums get really really bad, I turn to wordsearches online. Who doesn’t, right? Here’s what babycenter.com says about “tantrums”:

One of the best approaches to tantrums is to avoid them as much as possible. Pay attention to your baby’s cues and try to anticipate her desires. You can reduce her frustration even more by giving her a safe place to explore where you won’t constantly have to tell her no.

Well isn’t that just worth a coffeecup full of snot? Seriously, friends, I write this because I know I am “ahead” of some of you. You’re out there reading about what’s to come with your own precious babies. Right now you might be thinking, well when my kid cries, I do this or that. The situations change, over and over. He hits a new “stage” or “milestone”. Isn’t it adorable? And just when you think you’ve got all your bases covered, there’s a wrench thrown in the gears. You can do like me and cry to your husband. Whaaaa. That will only go so far. In the end, you have to say ’screw-you’ to the internet, and let them cry until they are done. Do not, by any means, hit them with a soccerball or give them a shot of Jack Daniels. It’s so weird that babycenter doesn’t mention this, so I thought I should.

I know, when I am on the playground, or chatting with you on the phone, I’ll say how wonderful my son is. He is just the best, and I don’t know how I ever lived without him. But IN ADDITION to this, clever ladies, there is the secret world of “OhmygodpleasefortheloveofgodSTOP” which is very real, and very common.

Because you deserve a bit of the truth. And your baby will still love you when he wakes up from crying it out. Mine can’t get enough of me. This I promise you.