This is what it looks like moments before going to sleep at 10:00pm and sleeping straight until 5:30am.  Glorious, glorious sleep!  Mouth open, total submission of muscles, and sweet gentle breathing on my shoulder.  How beautiful!

But this has only happened once.

My nearly 15-week-old baby is just not a miracle sleeper.  He squirms in his crib, scratching his eyes.  I nurse him every 3 or 4 hours, around the clock.  I’m still holding out for this sleeping through the night thing that other mothers seem to be enjoying.  Patience is indeed a virtue, so I’m giving it another month before I start to try new methods, but needless to say, I am running on fumes.  Not to mention run-on sentences!!  About once a week I lose it and need to just cry my eyes out to release all the tension.  On these evenings, my husband knows to take the baby, let me close the bedroom door and crash.  And yes, I’m fairly good and getting a nap in here or there while baby is napping during the day.  And boy, can he NAP during the day!  

I know what you’re probably thinking.  This means I have to keep him more awake in daylight hours.  Gosh, this makes so much sense in theory, right?  But, if anything, my ability to read my baby has gotten keen, and I know when he’s tired and needs to sleep.  He gets that cranky sound in his voice, and he deliberately pushes against me, trying to be free of my grasp.  I also know when he is awake and wants to play.  I am, basically, one of those “child-led” mothers.  And this makes me sort of want to spit nails.  I get a bit profane at times — if you know me, you’re aware that I drop the F-bombs often in regular speech anyway.  I do not f&*king understand exactly how to put the baby on a schedule without making him cry.  Cry a lot.  And isn’t the whole idea not to allow him to get overtired in the first place?  I guess some of these experts seem to think that 5 to 7 days of “training” your baby is worth the months of awesomeness that follow when your kid has some routine in his life.  

I love routine.  I can’t go to bed without brushing my teeth.  The sound of cold water filling my coffee pot in the morning is the most wonderful sound to my ears and I crave it daily.  Every night, Little J goes down to sleep between 10:00pm and 10:30pm, almost without fail since he was seven weeks old.  He just doesn’t stay asleep is all.

On a positive note, he bring so much joy to my face when he’s goo-gooing, and reaching out with his little hands.  Nothing could be more fantastic than having a healthy little person in my life.  He always greets me with a smile.  There are no words to describe the love that is developing.  I can’t believe I have a son.  


He’s already just the coolest kid I know, and I thank him daily for being mine.

I’m just…you know…tired.