I’ve been avoiding, I know. I’ve been on the roller-coaster of new motherhood, and I’ve been putting it out there with grave authenticity. It’s not all sunshine and flowers. Some days just plain suck, but I put on a brave face because I don’t want to seem like I cannot hack it. Taking care of a child, that is. Most people, when they ask, ‘How are you?’, don’t really want to know. Have you ever noticed this?

I have so much to say, but what if people don’t like it? Now that we live in TwitterWorld, I feel the need to express myself in 140 characters, and I just can’t do it. I am FULL of feelings and anecdotes, and I am more than an emoticon. Some days I just don’t have time to begin writing. So I have been at my computer, silently watching, reading, and researching. A bit each day. All the while, I try to keep my damn kitchen clean, and make the bed every day.

I also got a pedicure since my last blog entry. I almost wept at how black the bottoms of my feet were from walking around my house without shoes, wiping crumbs and spills off the floor. ‘Sorry, sorry the feet are so dirty, oh!!’ Don’t women find the strangest moments to apologize? Then, as the nice woman wrapped my feet in hot towels, I FELL ASLEEP! In the middle of a really great Allure article on Amy Adams, I dozed off. I might have dreamed about what my life would be like if I had gone the way of Amy Adams. Amy, like myself, started her professional career in dinner theater. If I had the chance to have coffee with Amy, we might find that we have a lot in common. Wouldn’t that be fun?

But we won’t have coffee.

Because Amy has an Oscar nomination, and I have an 11-month old son.

And you know what? That’s just fine. I am finding that a simpler life is best. Los Angeles can eat up the sweetest, most interesting folk, and spit them out without pause. I attribute a lot of my bitterness to living in this town. But I am also very brave because of LA. What I’ve found is that women I talk to are grateful that I am so open with my struggles (and my achievements as well) on the blogosphere, and also in person.
Those of you who read my blog seem to like that I live my journey honestly, and without shame. Indeed, having your first baby, without a village to help raise him, causes a lot of shame. I need to be honest about this because I am doing my best. And I am doing a DAMN FINE JOB, even when I screw up, or when I don’t know what I am doing.

I am grateful for the support of my friends and family as I pummel through the gloomy days. But I think what I’m trying to say is that sometimes I look in the mirror and do not recognize myself. A newly found selflessness has arrived, and I am changed. Can I be BETTER than ever before? Maybe someday soon. For now, I must admit, my back aches. There are cheerios on the floor. I drank too much coffee, too.

(Coffee alone. Not with any celebrities.)

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