My due date is in two months.  In two months I’ll be meeting my daughter.

I bounce between bouts of intense need to organize and declutter my life (Major Nesting?), and complete and total idleness, where my brain waffles about, drifting over topics that haven’t crossed my mind in years.  Before I know it, it is time to pick J up from preschool and I haven’t gone to buy more bread, which we are out of.  But I spent some time reading blogs and looking over my collection of embroidery floss in a bin in the closet.

I think I spend a lot of time wishing I weren’t anxious about anything at all, especially the future.  Wouldn’t that be nice?  Live in the moment!  It seems that finding a way to enjoy life in the moment is a good goal to have (thank you, Eckhart Tolle.)  Blog posts capture where you are as the journey of life ticks on, and one can go back and have a looksie.  In this moment, am I ready to have my second child?  The answer is I guess so.

Last night I had a dream about my friend, Erik, from the theater world.  In the dream, we were sitting next to each other watching a play.  I had paid for my ticket, and for some reason Erik was a seat-filler and was wearing a tuxedo.  He was acting strange around me in the dream, and I asked him why I haven’t heard from him in a long time.  He seemed surprised that I was so bent out of shape about the fizzling of our friendship, as though it never existed at all.

In real life, Erik and I haven’t spoken in over a year.  He and I were very close when I was performing in White Christmas in 2008.  We were co-workers, so to speak.  I told him that I had just discovered I was 5 weeks pregnant with my firstborn, and he showed SUCH excitement!  He said that none of his friends had had babies yet, but his older brother had children and he loved them.  When I was bulging and round, I went and saw Erik perform in two different musicals.  We were still pals.

Somewhere after Little J was about a month old, I stopped hearing from him.  Actors get busy with all of their auditions and jobs.  We met up once at a bar in Hollywood where he was already having dinner with friends.  I was on my way across town and “stopped by”, which is something I feel only single people do.  That was the last time we spoke.

I write about this because today I’m ruminating over the half-dozen buddies from my past who have made plans to see me and my child —  coming over, snapping photos of us with their iPhones, and then moving on to perhaps never call again.  I left Erik a couple of voicemails, a facebook wall post or two.  I never received a response.  Occasionally I get included in mass emails or texts inviting me to a party at his apartment or an evite to have him cut my hair.  He recently graduated from the Paul Mitchell school where they gave him some kind of annual award — another fact I get from Facebook.  But I don’t know why we haven’t connected in any way other than that.  And I feel weird leaving yet another voicemail saying, “Hey, it’s me…”

Dreaming (wacky, vivid, pregnant dreams!) about friends who I no longer see makes me wonder if I have any idea whatsoever what life is going to be like with two children.  Who will I be in the coming year?  Who will I hug, confide in?  Are these things ever changing, and can we just rest in this moment and write about all we hold dear today, and just this week?

Oh, and Erik, if you ever read this, I know that from your point of view we both just got busy, as people do.  Very very busy.  Such is life.  I just didn’t see it coming.

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